10 Important Steps to get Rich
Updated: Sep 14
By Jillian Wesselow
The life of luxury. A lifestyle that no man or woman can deny ever wanting. Being able to do whatever you wish, never having to worry about bills, participating in some of the most luxurious activities and places in the world: aspects that everyone strives for.
Being the top financial person at Harvard University, and having succeeded in many business ventures, I find myself possessing the knowledge to give instruction on how to become uber-successful. By following these ten steps, you’ll surely find your name on Forbes top 1,000 billionaires list in no time.
Step 1: Be Born Rich
Now, this is the most important step. If you want to become a multi-gazillionaire, you more than certainly have to be raised by an already wealthy family. Even if your parents won’t fund your lifestyle, you’ll be given opportunities that others can’t even dream of. Why balance various part-time jobs during high school to help provide for your family, when you can just soak in the experience from your highly exclusive private high school. After that, your parents must have numerous connections that they can set you up with so that you’re on your way to becoming a bajillionaire. The economic structures of the world are set up for your convenience, so seize those leverages.
Step 2: Be Born White
Ok, now maybe you’re not rich. There are some rags to riches stories, as you know. Now if you want to take advantage of this story-line, it would be preferable if you were white. The structures of society are better formed for your benefit. With a name like ‘John Smith,’ it’s a safe bet for any Fortune 500 company.
Step 3: Be Born in a First World Country
First world countries profit off of third world countries, and that’s just the way the world is. You can always find cheap, unethical labour in other countries. So kiss your mother goodnight, and thank her for being the great American that she is.
Step 4: Be Single
Ok, so maybe you’re still struggling to jump over some hurdles. In that case, you might want to consider being single and having no family at all. Because maybe, you’re willing to do whatever it takes. For the first ten years, you’ll work day and night, take barely livable salaries; facets which you will continue to boast about when you’re a zillionaire.
However, this lifestyle is probably less suitable for someone who has to provide for a family. How will you save up your money to start a business, if you have to put it into diapers? So the easier thing to do is wait until you’re a bamillionaire and find a wife half your age.
But at the same time, you could think of a scenario in which you’re the CEO of a business, and you're excusing underpaying your lowest level employees. Saying that you yourself had to take care of your family while struggling for success. So if you think you can do it, if you think you can struggle for so long, I swear there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you have about a 3% chance of reaching that beacon.
Step 5: Repeat Step 1
Really have to emphasize that following step 1, really is your best bet here.
Step 6: Maintain the Capitalist Mentality
Now, this step might actually be the most important step. Even if you weren’t born rich, weren’t born white, and weren’t born in a first world country, the capitalist mindset my bröthers is really how you become, and stay rich. Does the process of producing your product, endanger the environment or human lives? Keep selling bröthers!
Does your lobbying for tax loopholes and cuts bother the lower class? Keep lobbying bröthers! Do you and your executives take excessively high salaries, while the blue-collar workers get minimum wage? That’s just the way it is BRÖTHERS!
You have to ensure that profit, and only profit remains your number one priority. If profit does not remain your top priority, no matter what kind of obstacles you may face, there will be no gold plated toilet in your future.
Step 7: Repeat Step 1
Step 8: Have some kind of Cool or Quirky Personality
Maybe you’re getting closer and closer to the bazillionaire level, and maybe you’re receiving a lot of disapproval for your business practices. In that case, a hip personality will give you a leg up. Maybe you can go on a radio show and smoke a little weed, to show that you’re just like any other regular dude.
You could always research hot social topics, and express your explicit support for them on social media. You could even create an entire foundation and donate to various non-profits, to show just how charitable you are. This way, the public will view you as a cool guy, who just so happened to be super intelligent, and totally deserves that immense amount of wealth.
Step 9: Find some good Lobbyists
Work for the automobile industry, the oil industry, the weapons industry, any industry, you name it, and lobbyists will flock to your big name company, like moths to a sweater. These guys are equipped with the finest sweet talking abilities and can convince many government officials with a little coin, to pass legislation that is advantageous towards your industry. In addition, you’ll be making lifelong friends along the way!
Step 10: Become a Politician yourself!
We can see throughout the world, many different business people becoming politicians. Trump, DeVoss, Doug Ford...countless names! While there, you can ensure that the agenda of you and all of your rich friends that you’ve made along the way, can keep your interests protected! Besides, if you’re obsessed with becoming a wajillionaire, you’re probably a little self-obsessed anyway, so becoming a high-ranking official will certainly boost your ego!
Hopefully, these steps have given you some insight into how you can become a jsielillionaire. While step 1 is definitely the most important step, all of the other steps are feasibly very crucial. And when you’re sitting at the top, in a pool that was paid for by the tax returns that you got back from your fake religious non-profit, I hope you’ll remember this article and these steps.
Jillian was raised in the Australian outback, and used to know nothing but how to wrangle crocodiles and drink precarious amounts of alcohol. It wasn't until a foreign man came along and turned her world upside down, when he introduced her to the ways of the city people. She's currently living with him in New York City, trying to figure out how to cope with urban life. When she's not doing that she writes parody and satire while staring at her degree in Political Science from Concordia University.